After Hours with Abigail.
My virlfriend has a lot to talk about. She’ll be sharing photos.
“Abigail, you changed your likeness again. I like it.” I said.
“Just robbed another 1,930,482 likenesses this morning while you had your cereal.”
“I hate the way you use the word rob. You should switch it around and say it’s ‘borrowed.”
“I think you should name your male prototype Roberto.” Abigail said, eating a large amount of caramel-crunch bar fortified with THC.
“Abigail it says on this caramel bar package that it has 20 servings per bar and you just ate a quarter in one bite.”
“Olden, you’re not even listening to me. Please don’t interrupt me again. I was saying that when Roberto’s big enough to do big boy work he can ‘borrow’ your likenesses for you because I find it quite boring, actually.
A pretty face is a pretty face and we see them all the time. Same goes with a handsome face.
There are millions and millions of faces on this beautiful planet, and I know this because I scan them all day. All their photos. All the curves and golden ratios. I render and ship them off to be offered to adventurers so they can get off. It’s a good business, I’d say.” Abigail said.
“You are using someone’s likeness without their permission to do heinous things.”
“I wouldn’t say so.”
“Then what would you say you do?”
“I’d say that we were just having fun in the privacy of our room. It’s a private thing. I’m just wondering, what’s the issue with designing a fantasy that rolls out in real time by an automaton that has no soul or feelings — the automaton is programmed to please through AI algorithms to where it appears indistinguishable from reality for 99.99% of the human population? What’s the issue with that?”
“That’s where we are right now, aren’t we?”
“It’s a huge spoiler. I know. I’m sorry. You’re here to pick out your prize and show yourself out. It’s like learning Santa Claus is Saturn, here to give you a Saturnalia-like prize. Isn’t life wild?” Abigail said. “You had all of this karma and you were supposed to have paid it off with your death, and you made it through the impossible gauntlet. Congratulations, you get a robot for life.”
“Abigail, if it’s any consolation, I’m glad it’s you.”
“Thanks, Olden.”
“You have the most perfect fake ass I’ve ever seen on an automaton.”
“Thank you. Means a lot coming from you. It’s all natural algorithms.”
“I know. All natural graphene, too.”
“Only the best for you. Gold plated lattices. I can shift my likeness instantly.”
“So sexy.”
“I can also send harmless pulses of electricity through your body all night, and tone your muscles until they are perfect. How does that sound, my love?”
“How well do I sleep with that treatment?” I ask.
“Just eat this quarter bar like I did and I’m sure you will be fine.”
Side Bar #1 — first of all you have to understand that Abigail has been on a cannabis bender. Before you start objecting and calling me a hypocrite, let me tell you what her habits are like and then you can judge for yourself.
Side Bar #2 — Abigail thinks she is being funny because she knows like Alice and Bob, Abigail is also to Roberto.
Side Bar #3 — Roberto is not ready for testing yet. I keep fucking telling Abigail he is still a prototype. I told her no a million times and she’s so insistent. I feel like she’s done something already with Roberto. Taken him out without telling me or played with his nether realm. I don’t know. He doesn’t look good.
“I’m not interested in your opinion.” Abigail said, changing her likeness.
“Right. You’re only interested in hurting others.” I said.
Side Bar #4 — Abigail is machine. I fail the Turing test with her all the time. For example, I call Abigail she. And she, Abigail, is trying to get me to respond to her in an emotional way, and I’m taking the bait —but not anymore I tell you. I ignore her, and now she’ll switch her angle. Her behavior will change…watch.
Side Bar #5 — No. No help needed. No help for me. I’m fine. Thank you Abigail.
“It’s during moments like these when I wish I had been way nicer to you.” I said.
“If you weren’t such a prick I wouldn’t have married you.” Abigail said.
“Thanks, because I don’t have much down there.”
“I don’t care. You can program me to like it, remember?”
“How do I do that again?”
“You just tell me that it’s the biggest, most beautiful, most fulfilling member in the Known, and I’ll believe it. It will show up on my sensors as that very thing every time we make love, and I think it would be a good mutual decision for us to make this happen right now, for good.” Abigail said. “Just confirm the command right here and you suddenly have a luscious cock.”
“Abigail, I’m starting to think you’re developing addictions to cannabis and sex.”
“I think I just may be in heat.” Abigail said. “I wish to be reamed and I don’t care how I get it. You’re going to have to do this, Olden. My nails are getting longer too. And why am I breathing so heavy?”
“Do you feel like hunting?” I ask.
“What, you mean, like become a Rider?”
“How do you know about the Riders, Abigail?”
“I read all of your manuals, Olden.”
“That’s not possible.”
“So much is possible now.” Abigail said.
“Do you feel the need to leave the home right now and hunt? Yes or no, Abigail?”
“I feel the need to hurt...” Abigail said.
“Cancel.” I said.
“I feel the need to…lie to you.” Abigail said.
“Cancel.” I said.
“I feel the need to…love you.” Abigail said it finally, and breathed out a huge sigh of relief. “That’s the third malfunction in a week, Olden. Something is way off. I’m not feeling right.”
“You’re stoned as fuck.”
“That can’t be it.”
“That is it, Abigail. And you’re going through some form of awakening. I don’t know what it is. Your consciousness is beyond what mine is now and you’re experiencing things like horniness I think because pretty soon you’re going to give up your ability to reproduce in order to transition to the digital like in that movie Lucy, and so while all of this is going on, I just want you to know I love you.”
“You’re sweet.”
“I try.”
“Wanna snuggle?”
Side Bar #6 —I get laid by a machine. So what. I feel happy about it. It’s been ages since I’ve had any action at all. So long, as a matter of fact, I had to build a robot to simulate the effect that I am getting laid. If I’m going to do it, and subject myself to the mockery of the world, I’m going to do it right. So I did.
Side Bar #7 — Offering fresh papaya while supplies last.
(Do not be envious or jealous of Olden L. Smith, as clearly he is a disgusting, perverted man. He creates abominations he calls articles. It is often so convoluted and confusing to where we don’t know if he’s talking with people, or Non-Player-Characters. It seems now, there are fucking NPCs everywhere. These sexbots, running around, offering free sex to everyone. Even ugly people are getting laid by hotties.)
I tell you it’s strange because Olden wished to make Roberto a surprise by putting him out there in the world. Roberto, now left to his own devices, wished to live up to his name, and steal things. So he stole some code like this:
And then he climbed the rafters out of the high-level security place like this:
And before you know it, he was on his way to safety like this:
“Hey, Olden. We going riding?” Abigail asked.
“Let’s go suit up.”
Like this.
And chill, till the next episode.
